Beggars using Wikipedia founder’s picture to swindle money

New Delhi. The begging mafia in Delhi is getting ingenious and keeping with modern times. After using pictures of Hindu gods and goddesses to extract money from the believers, beggars are now using pictures of Jimmy Wales, founder of Wikipedia, and swindling money from internet savvy residents of the national capital in the name of donation to the community driven free web-based encyclopedia.

“I was surprised when this 9-year-old kid knocked on my window and showed me Jimmy’s picture,” Rashi Taneja, a final year MBA student at FMS recalled her experience when she was driving last evening, “Of course I use Wikipedia for my project reports too often and I couldn’t help giving 50 rupees to the kid, who gave a thumbs-up to me as if liking something on Facebook.”

It was only later that Rashi realized that she might have been cheated, for an organization like Wikimedia Foundation would never employ child labor and begging tricks for raising funds.

“I was shocked to find out that there was no mention of ‘donating on traffic lights to beggars’ as a way to give money to Wikipedia on their website,” Rashi said, “Oh my god, I guess he was the same kid who had sold me a heart-shaped balloon for 100 rupees on Valentine’s Day.”

The Delhi police have denied any knowledge of the fake Wikipedia donation racket being run by the begging mafia in the city.

“Begging was banned only during the Commonwealth Games,” Ranjeet Sharma, a traffic police constable informed, “we can’t act against them till there is any written complaint against this Jimmy guy. Who is he by the way?”

Unlike the police department, the begging mafia in Delhi has accessed and updated themselves with all the information about Jimmy Wales, and the beggars have been trained to answer any queries by suspecting Wikipedia users.

“His first wife’s name was Pam,” says 13-year-old Suraj designated at India Gate, further adding with a wink, “Not Pamela Anderson if you thought so.”

Ravindar, the kingpin of the begging mafia in Delhi, confirms that the latest “initiative” has returned favorable results and they were all set to take the campaign to the next stage and make it more “impactful”.

“We have ordered Jimmy Wales masks, similar to Narendra Modi and Rahul Gandhi masks,” informs Ravindar, “our kids would wear them and suddenly appear at the windscreens of cars at traffic lights, just like Jimmy Wales’ picture suddenly loads on a Wikipedia pages currently.”

Outrage as Nokia CEO asks workers to use Internet Explorer

Espoo, Finland. Nokia Corporation could soon see a massive uprising by its employees as its new CEO has asked them to use Internet Explorer over other web browsers as part of its deal with Microsoft. In a letter sent to already displeased employees, Nokia CEO has suggested a few “tips” aimed at putting the workers “at ease with” with the company’s decision to get into a strategic alliance with Microsoft.

“I need your support to make our alliance with Microsoft go beyond the blue screen,” Nokia’s CEO Stephen Elop, also a former Microsoft employee, appealed in his latest letter, “As partners, both the companies should work closely. For this, it’s essential that all of us should develop closeness with Microsoft and its products. So let’s start with our web browsing habits.”

The letter then further suggested Nokia employees to use Internet Explorer over other browsers such as Firefox, Opera, Apple’s Safari, and Google’s Chrome.

“I couldn’t bother to read the rest of the email,” said a visibly upset and livid Johnson, an Animation Designer working with Nokia, “Has Stephen gone nuts? What is he going to do next? Ask us to use MS Paint instead of Photoshop?”

According to company’s insiders, the letter has outraged an overwhelming majority of Nokia workers, who are now planning to protest against the unilateral and “absurd” decisions of their CEO. Market watchers too have expressed surprise and shock over the latest move and have predicted a further fall in the company’s share price post the formal announcement.

“We would unite and push for democracy within our company,” said Erica, a senior software developer, who had been playing Snake on her old Nokia 3310 during working hours as mark of protest, “Egypt has shown us the way.”

“Who uses IE these day?” wondered another employee, who showed how Internet Explorer crashed each time he tried to submit his Résumé to Google jobs.

TCS to hire through IPL style auctions, quote lowest to get job

Hyderabad. IT major TCS (Tata Consultancy Services) plans to hire 37,000 professionals for its domestic and overseas markets through campus auctions in the next fiscal. But the auctions will not have TCS bidding for bright freshers, but the freshers bidding for dull jobs. Each round of bidding will see 50 freshers coming together, and whoever quotes the lowest salary demand will get a job contract from TCS.

“It is a mammoth effort to go all over the country and conduct complex processes to hire freshers who would anyways be kept on the benches. What is the use of conducting irrelevant GDs and PIs to hire future-benchers? Hence we have taken inspiration from the recently concluded IPL auctions and will be conducting auctions in many campuses of India to hire freshers,” confirmed the recruitment head of TCS.

The base prices of the freshers have been set as per their overall percentage or CGPA across the four years of education. Higher percentage commands a higher base price and then it’s a game of who goes the lowest for the “lucrative” offer.

“We expect tough competition in most of the engineering colleges since four years of hardship anyways squeezes out the self-esteem of most of the freshers. Hence we can expect the freshers to go head on against their classmates to see who can lower the bar the most,” said the TCS recruitment head.

The process has come in for acclaim from the other IT companies. The recruitment head of Infosys candidly admitted, “Freshers are like beasts of burden in the IT world. They do all the grunt work which is anyways defined by our processes. Hence this idea makes perfect sense since we can now get enthusiastic IT donkeys who will work their asses off at economical costs for us.”

The news has attracted mixed response from the freshers though. Many final year B.Tech students are already using linear programming methods to find the minimum amount they need to stay alive in various cities, while others have asked their parents if they could “contribute” a little.

“I’m looking forward to the auctions and am hopeful of being picked,” said a fresher on conditions of anonymity, “but I just wish they also have cheerleaders once we join the benches; people like me would need it as being in IT already means marriage prospects taking a hit.”

MTV to save electricity by muting “beep” sound in Roadies

Mumbai. Socially responsible television channel MTV has added another feather to its cap by saving a capacious amount of electrical power by suppressing the Roadies’ trademark background score – the “BEEP” tone. The legendary tone that dominated its previous seasons is missing in the current season, where the censored words are just timely muted. This has reduced the audio output power consumption of the show by almost 57%, channel sources claim.

Going further with the calculations, the music-turned-reality television channel has cited that the total audio power saved this way per episode is estimated to be around 4.9 K Watts, which is, as they exclaim, “simply unfuckingbelievable!”

“It is a very welcome move by the Roadies team,” an energy expert said, “it will also save power in those households that watch such family shows (sic.) on MTV, as the television speakers will consume lesser amount of electricity.”

Sources at MTV Roadies confirm that they are encouraging the participants and judges of the show to use as many vulgar and abusive words as possible, so that the nation saves more electricity and India becomes a superpower thanks to its youth.

“We are also planning more shows that could use even more coarse language,” Raghu Ram, executive producer of MTV Roadies informed, “We are thinking of doing away with all music shows as they involve a lot of sounds and consume a lot more electricity.”

Raghu Ram further claimed that he prefers wearing black for similar reasons. “Just like Black Google, you see,” he said. Faking News suggested that maybe he, his fellow judges, and all other participants could not only wear black but even have their faces blackened; to which Raghu hastily assured that he would give the suggestion a thought.

Around a year back MTV had removed the word “music” from its logo, and unconfirmed sources inform that it’s now adding some curse words starting with M in its new logo to suit its new avtar.

Bunty Chor to judge a reality show called “India’s Got Chor”

Mumbai. After being thrown out of Bigg Boss on the very first day, Bunty Chor is all set to join another reality show, this time as a judge and not just a contestant. Bunty, whom the media and entertainment professionals look upto as one of the potential youth-icons of the country, is going to select the best chor (thief) of the country in a reality show tentatively named “India’s Got Chor”.

“In fact, he was kicked out of Bigg Boss precisely due to the reason that he could take out time for the shooting of this new reality show,” informs an executive producer of the proposed show on conditions of anonymity.

Although the name of the show is a complete rip-off of the popular Got Talent series owned and licensed by British media professional Simon Cowell, the producers of the show have decided not to get into any franchise agreement and simply copy the name in spirit of “thievery”, an art the show aims to glamorize.

The reality show will showcase the best thieves of the country and is relying heavily upon “crime news” shows of the various national news channels for identifying the contestants. Most news channels have demanded the status of “exclusive media partner” in lieu of providing the contacts of “their thieves”, but the producers are hopeful of reaching a compromise.

“We could make all of them ‘exclusive’ partners,” said the anonymous producer, “who cares about that tag anyway these days?”

The show will stick to thieves stealing petty money and goods in its first season, but may move on to showcase thieves stealing songs, movies, advertisements, taxes, government funds, pubic order, communal harmony, etc. in the successive seasons that would be broadcast on a popular “family entertainment” channel.

“We are sure that we can run at least seven seasons of the show in the coming years,” said the anonymous producer.

Producers confirmed that like any other reality show involving judges, India’s Got Chor too will have three judges, but they refused to comment on rumors that Suresh Kalmadi and A Raja were being convinced to join Bunty Chor on the panel of judges.

“We can’t let you know that at this time,” said the anonymous producer, “but believe us, we have enough potential contestants and judges in our country for this show. Just wait and watch.”

Class Xth student arrested with pistol, wanted to shoot Kapil Sibal

What is this yaar ?

New Delhi. Panic and terror struck Ministry of Human Resource Development here when a fourteen years old boy was caught with a loaded pistol inside the building. The boy, identified as RG Verma, is a student of class Xth in a CBSE school of the city and was reportedly unhappy with HRD Minister Kapil Sibal’s decision to scrap the mandatory Xth Board Exams.  Officials claim that RG wanted to assassinate Kapil Sibal. The boy has been arrested and sent to a juvenile remand home.

“We were alerted when a bullet like stuff fell from the school bag of this boy moving in the corridor. Initially we ignored that, but on further inspection we found that it indeed was a live bullet. We launched a massive search operation for the boy half an hour later and also called in the army. Security forces overpowered the boy while he was drinking Mountain Dew at a snacks stall outside the secretariat.” a ministry official informed.

The boy, RG Verma, has denied that he had any intentions to assassinate the HRD Minister, but conceded that he wanted to shoot the minister to ‘teach him a lesson’. RG thinks that Kapil Sibal has ruined lives of meritorious students by scrapping board exams. RG considers himself meritorious as he always stood first in his class in school exams.

“The decision doesn’t make sense at all. Ishaan, who has always been coming second to me, will now get the same grade as me?! This is ridiculous! Did I kill my brains all these years to see this day? And do you know that nobody is studying at all after this decision was announced? Those losers, who at least used to study when board exams were near, are now busy collecting pictures of Megan Fox. God save this country.” RG told Faking News.

RG was looking forward to take board exams as he was confident of getting the highest marks in Delhi. His neighbor had fared similar in last year’s exams and had got his photo printed in the newspaper. His dreams were shattered when CBSE made the exams optional from this year onwards, but he was still optimistic and was planning to take the exams. He may have to miss the exams as the courts will first need to acquit him.

Meanwhile friends of RG have expressed disbelief over his deeds. His friends confirmed that RG was indeed very agitated after the decision was announced but they never thought that he could take such an extreme step.

“He always used to come first, although it was due to the fact that he always used to get grace marks for good handwriting, otherwise our marks were almost similar, in fact on a couple of occasions I had got more marks than him if the handwriting marks were to be discounted. But that doesn’t mean I am happy over the unfortunate situation he has got himself into. I pray he is released and can take the board exams in time.” Ishaan, the boy who always stood second after RG said.

After Kamina, Saala, and BoseDK, plan to sell commercial rights of Hindi gaalis

New Delhi. Realizing that Bollywood songs with some Hindi gaali (cuss word) have been doing consistently well for years now and there could be a race to use as many gaalis as possible by the film producers in future, government is planning to sell commercial rights of Hindi gaalis to Bollywood.

A list of commercially available gaalis is being prepared by the Ministry of Human Resource & Development (HRD) and could soon be put up for auction by the end of the next month.

“We are starting with a list in Hindi, but soon we would come up with similar lists in other languages. Film producers of all Indian languages will be able buy the commercial rights for their exclusive use in their upcoming movies,” Union HRD Minister Kapil Sibal informed.

Sibal, who is also a lover of languages and poetry, pointed out that Urdu poets from the times of Ghalib have been using near-gaalis like kambakht and nikammain their poetry, while recently, poets like Gulzar have used mild-gaalis likekaminey in a literary manner.

“And now we have Bhaag DK Bose, which clearly shows that the realms of literature and poetry are widening and so is the demand for gaalis,” Sibal opined, “In fact, I believe the whole concept of a non-literary gaali is notional. Gaalis don’t exist; they are mere words.”

Sibal further argued that since these “words” were created by the society over a period of time, they collectively belonged to the nation and the government had the rights to regulate their use. It was therefore decided that HRD ministry would identify “lucrative” gaalis in all Indian languages and prepare a central database for regulation and commercial licensing.

These gaalis will subsequently be put up for auction in IPL style and film producers will be asked to take part in a competitive bidding process to get exclusive rights on their use (in songs, dialogues, or movie titles) for a period of three years. After three years, the gaali will go back to HRD Ministry, which will auction it again for its use in the next season.

Japan decides to shut down its secret Rajini Robot project

Tokyo, Japan. The Government of Japan has finally woken up to reality and decided to shelve the two-decade long robo-project codenamed “Thalaiva 2.0” initiated to replicate Rajinikanth in the form of a robot. The project involved some of Japan’s top minds from their top tech companies and so far had cost the Japanese an amount ten times more than the round underground thingamajig built in Switzerland, pushing the Japanese economy into a decade long economic tailspin.

Admitting defeat, the head scientist Hidenseeki Icandonomuru said, “It would have been totally badass if we could pull off another Rajini saaar; I mean think about it! The possibilities are mindboggling in various spheres of life. For instance, in sports, the robo could have coached people to play volleyball like it in Baba or even imagine the revolution it could have caused in the art of cigaret… err… bubble gum popping.”

Hidenseeki changed his last word, apparently fearful of the possibility that he could be targeted by activists of the Japanese arm of the PMK.

Further expressing grief over the loss to the scientific community due to the abortion of this grand project, Hidenseeki said, “It would have been enlightening and more fun watching the Rajini robo go around fascinating trajectories than watching atoms go around in boring circles in our laboratories. However after various years of trying, it dawned upon us that Rajini saaar doesn’t operate within the laws of this world.”

“His way is a different way. And though our tech is cutting edge, it not as cutting edge as Rajini saaar.” he added, probably referring to the technology, which allows Rajinikanth to cut a bullet into two to simultaneously dispose of two goons.

But Hidenseeki Icandonomuru added with glee that while pursuing the project, the scientific community of Japan could watch all the movies of Rajinikanth for free and hoped that the exposure and experience would come handy to them for future projects.

“In fact, we are planning a Madame Tussauds like museum in Tokyo with robots of celebrities, especially Bollywood starts. We have figured out that we virtually have to do nothing but to give the listless machines some cosmetic appearance. Robots automatically start acting like them afterwards.” Hidenseeki informed.

Indian army locates secret hideout of Himesh Reshammiya

Mumbai. After full four years since he launched his lethal “Aap Kaa Surroor – The Moviee – The Real Luv Story” and "Karzzzz" on unsuspecting and unarmed citizens, Indian army claims to have located the secret hideout of Himesh Reshammiya. Army could conduct a live raid anytime and capture the maverick artist along with his weapons of mass destruction stashed in his hideout, a defense ministry official confirmed to Faking News.

“Unlike the Osama operation by US, this will not be a kill-or-capture operation,” Tanu Malik, an under-secretary in Minister of Defense said, “Although he is wanted for his excesses on Indian citizens, we want to capture him alive and use him as a tool against the Pakistani military and terrorist establishment.”

As per the defense ministry plans, Himesh would be captured and made to sing “Ek baar aaja aajaa aaja aaja aa-aa-aa-aaja”, which will then be beamed into terror camps running in Pakistan with help of flying loudspeakers fitted with stealth technology. Ministry feels that the step could force the terrorists to cross over into India, after which they can be arrested or killed by the army.

Although there is no precedent of such an operation, ministry officials believe this will work.

“I don’t think we need any hi-fi operation like what US did in Abbottabad. In fact, US should have tried unleashing Justin Bieber or Rebecca Black on Osama and the operation would have been equally effective,” Malik said.

The hideout of Himesh is reported to be somewhere in Mumbai that doubles up as the headquarters of his recently formed organization HR Musik, which is not yet on the list of banned organizations by any government, though experts believe that the situation could change soon.

“Himesh is all set to make his debut in Hollywood; this could force the international community to take some pre-emptive steps,” an expert said.

Orkut user humiliated in full public view by Facebook crowd

Ahmedabad. Dhiraj Joshi, 19, had to put up with a barrage of insults and ridicule for having logged into his Orkut account in presence of two Facebook users, who also happened to be his batchmates at a local engineering college. They were later joined by a bunch of other students from the same hostel, who made life hell for Dhiraj for a seemingly innocuous act of “scrapping”.

“I was sending a scrap to my friend to wish him a happy birthday,” Dhiraj (whose Orkut display name reads “coolest dude”) recalled the unfortunate moment, “Aakash, my roomie, happened to enter the room at that very moment and it seems he saw it. Before I could minimize the window, he burst into a loud laughter, almost spilling his kitli tea over me.”

Aakash is believed to have frantically called out Pratik, their neighbor, who was playing cricket outside by throwing the ball against the hostel wall and hitting it on rebound. Pratik came rushing in and then both of them laughed like crazy for next few minutes, ridiculing Dhiraj for “still” using Orkut.

Hearing loud noises of laughter and Hindi abusive words (gaali), at least seven other students are reported to have got “attracted” and walked into Dhiraj’s hostel room in the next couple of minutes. What followed was a public humiliation of a helpless and unarmed Orkut user.

“Pratik ‘poked’ me with his bat at least three times,” Dhiraj recounted the mental and physical torture he had to go through, “They abused me by calling me chirkut, orkutiya,  and gave me strange names like Baba Sehgal, Motorola Pager, and Windows 95.”

The rowdy students, all of whom are reported to be Facebook users, even tried to lift Dhiraj on their shoulders and “parade” him in the campus for his “deeds”, but the plan was later abandoned as India-South Africa match had started by then.

Meanwhile Dhiraj had written to the Hostel warden for providing him security against any such possible attack in future, but shockingly the warden refused to step in and instead suggested Dhiraj to “lock the hostel door” from inside next time he logged into Orkut.

Dhiraj alias “coolest dude” is rated 70% trusty, 40% cool, and 55% sexy on the older version of Orkut. Those who indicated themselves as “fans” of him or wrote “testimonials” for him refused to comment over the issue.